D.W.B.

Much talk has ensued in the wake of the NBA's imposition of a dress code (banning chains and medallions, headwear, and sleeveless shirts, among other items) on its players. The ban does not apply to coaches or owners, who are free to continue to look like they're loitering near the frozen vegies at the supermarket, waiting for the free sample pizza to be done. But so far, there's been little discussion of the penalties the NBA has proposed for players found in violation of the code. Here's an outline of some likely penalties:

First offense: In addition to conforming to the dress code, players are required to wear a life-size, wrap-around mask of Hugh Beaumont in his best-known role as Ward Cleaver.

Second offense: Players must perform several hours of community service in the form of driving a Dodge minivan, obsessing over lawncare, and fibbing about their golf scores while barbecuing in the backyard.

Third offense: Only rumors exist about the penalties for the third offense - but recently, the plastic surgeon who worked on Michael Jackson's nose and lips was seen scurrying out of NBA Commissioner David Stern's office.